MOH ETIQUETTE

Here is a short list of MOH Etiquette that you will need during your brides journey to wedding bliss.

1. Be brutality honest 

•  If something is not explained correctly ask for more information until you and your bride fully understand what the hell is going on? 
• Don't ever be afraid to speak up! Sadly, most brides are not real people pleaser's or even very nice women like my friends. So if your bride is the pushy and bitchy type, you have to grab your big girl panties and Woman-Up. Let her know when things look like shit or she's not moving fast enough to get things done. Tell her when she is procrastinating, but don't you be a bitch about it, just tell her kind of sternly. 
• Never ever let a vendor or performer talk down to your bride. It's her day damn it! However if this unfortunate situation happens... During the "talking down" to, kindly interrupt the conversation, have a friend or family member talk to and consul your bride and ask to speak with that person and their manager privately for a minute. Start your conversation off by appearing rather concern about the vendor or performers state of well being and simply apologize. Yes I said apologize. Then, ask them are they okay and explain to them that you didn't like how either parties were speaking to each other. Let them know that they and YOU still have a job to do. Which is getting your bride exactly what she wants and if need be let them know that you are willing to negotiate or act as a mediator between them and your bride.

2. GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING AND READ READ READ!!

• Make sure to cover any and all loop holes that could possibly come up in every contract. From buy outs, to forces of nature, and acts of GOD (ie. death). 
• Ask question after question after question. You and or your bride is not paying anyone shit loads of money to not know what the hell is going on and how it works. 

3. Communication is key

• Call and email everyone all the time! Florist, Vendors, Calligraphers, Caterers, Chef's, even the Bridal Party. 
• For emails, I usually start on a Sunday so that I can just send them and not really have to worry about being bombarded with responses. 
• For phone calls, I make them on a Tuesday or Wednesday morning. Business is usually slower on a Tuesday morning however some companies have staff meetings on those days. Wednesdays people are typically in a better mood and more likely to answer the phone, unlike on a Friday when folks are trying to leave early or not do any work or a Thursday when people are trying to rush through the day to have Friday off or leave early. 
• With your Bride and Groom, calling or texting them what's going on and if they need anything is vital.

4. GOOGLE UNTIL IT HURTS!!!!

• I can not stress the importance of googling your life away! If you don't know the answer google it! It is the best invention since the vibrator. If you don't know you better ask someone. And if you don't like google, bing it, or ask Suri! 

5. Praise, praise, praise..... Everyone but yourself. 

• Because a good Main of Honor is never boastful nor proud..... At least to everyone else, now the conversation in your head maybe a bit drastically different. Inside, tell your inner self, "yo we did that! I'm the shit! Without me this would be a damn ratchet mess!"... because no one else is going to do it for you. During a persons wedding people will see you completing and achieving shit, they don't need you to brag about it every damn day! Your job is to do go above and beyond, and nobody wants to tip someone for just doing their job. So shut your mouth and roll around in your self indulgence and make that shit appear to glow off your beautiful buttermilk soft skin! 
• Always, always, enlist the help of your bridesmaids. Even if its for small dumb shit, and then make it big deal. Because your already MOH no need to steal the damn light from everyone else. Please be kind, and share the responsibility. Plus if someone fucks it up, you get to fix it and poof your the fan favorite again. 

And Lastly! 

6. Make your Bride-To-Be and everyone else feel good

• Feel free to call, text, or email your Bride-to-Be and let her know that she is appreciated. Although you may get annoyed with doing this, the most simple of gestures will keep you less stressed out during this time. As they say, "happy wife, happy life" and in this case, this not only true for her future husband but you too! 
• Do the same with your Groom-to-Be, let him know that you are proud of him for taking such a big step. Let him know that you love him and think of him as a brother (even if you hate his stupid ass). Because not only are you losing your sister/mother/best friend/cousin/etc you are gaining a brother/father/etc... 
• Also men love to be needed by women, so randomly give him a "secret project" that is not only "woman simple" but "man simple" as well. Make this a part of a very vital thing in the either the wedding or rehearsal dinner. And please be sure to stress my favorite saying of all time, "But, it was all (grooms name) idea, we couldn't have gotten it done without him." (and fyi be sure to say this in front of groom-to-be and important guess, they will eat it up) 
• CAll or TEXT bridal party and family and let them know you appreciate them too! Why? Because its your job to be happy, perky, and never a debbie downer. So pull it together woman.

Getting the Ball Rolling - Wedding Dress Stop Light & The Pick A Damn Date Stop Sign!

Good evening folks,

So far so good, the usual speed bumps, stops signs, and stop lights on the wedding trail have been normal. From the "I cant fit my dress" speed bump, to the "I know when I want to get married but I don't have a clue what day nor have I booked a venue"

I am the "SINGLE" Maid of Honor!

I'm not dating anyone, but I do have back up plans... Such as, plan S, plan J, plan V, and plan D (and whomever else may come along) lol.

Anyways... The "Single" Maid of Honor is slowly becoming extinct. Especially because its July so most of us are working on getting into a relationship (or bunned up and the kids would say) for the winter. We are horny, and foul mouthed and just plain ole nonchalant. Typically we plan to hook up with the "Single" Best man. Because even if we don't like each other, we will still probably end up fucking each other. (so beware)



Now, as far as traveling down the trail of getting the bride (bitch) hitched, we are moving at an alarmingly slow rate.... for friend J anyway. She gets married in March of 2016 and we still have yet to have an engagement party or bridal shower. Nor have I tried on my dress, but we have concrete plans about the delivery of her wedding dress. Even though she can not fit into it and she wants to buy a new one. "Why a new dress?",  you ask... Well, my beautiful "Self Irritated" Bride to Be has taken it upon herself to ask her future husband what type of dress does he envision her in on their wedding day. Well he told her, and so we've hit the "Wedding Dress" stop light.

This is when your Self Irritated Bride to Be has her first real conniption. I hope and pray she finds the dress! 

And as far as friend C, well, currently she knows her venue but she just needs to pick a damn date! And, well that's about it. She's going to try on dresses soon, but I know, I am going to get so fucking drunk, because there will be hell unlike any other during the Wedding Dress Stop Light. Friend C, has stated on various occasions that she has an opinionated bunch that will be in the wedding party. Which simply translates to any event personnel as, a pushy group of bitches. Sorry to say it but its true. In this group you find out how women can be some of the most sensitive, caring, spiteful, rude, and fucking ridiculous mammals on the planet. But just like any other proud Maid of Honor, I shall absorb the hits of these "wrecking balls" in honor of my dearest Brides to Be. 

Double Maid of Honor Duty - Breathe!

Okay... I'm not going to bullshit you, everything will not be okay. So stop everything for just one second, take your eyes away from this screen, close your eyes and just breathe. That's it, inhale through your nose and out your mouth. Because in 6 months, you will learn to enjoy that one second you have, to just step back and breathe.

I initially started this blog as a form of venting. But when some of my new clients, former clients, and their families asked to read this, they kept asking me to make it public so that all of their friends could know that they weren't alone in the bridal wars.

As an adult you typically have 2 best-friends, one from childhood/high school and one from college/work. Well I am no different. I have two of the greatest best-friends ever! And while they are both great in their own way, they are both pains in the ass in their own way as well.
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"Now that you've had a chance to breathe, let me just remind you that both of these women are your friends. However the people they will become during this process.... Well you're not going to have any fucking clue as to who they are. But you'll be okay"

This is the shit I had to tell myself as I looked into the lint filled toothpaste spotted mirror in my bathroom. While I am their best friend, they DO NOT like each other. At all! None the less, we shall call these women "C" and "J".  Friend C is what I like to refer to as the "America's Sweetheart Bride", and friend J is what I call, the "Self Irritated Bride".

Now lets get a little bio on the two, shall we (I've only shown their rings).........

This is C - The "America's Sweetheart Bride" is a mix of the "DIY", "Romantic", "Sentimental" brides, you see on TLC or WEtv. She's the one that you initially cheer for during the opening to the episode because she's a good girl, with a good job, from a good family, with a good fiance, that is just going through a few struggles that every good humble american has gone through. She wants the finest of arrangements and decor without paying the finest of prices. And while she fights so hard to be the different type of bride, she cant escape the bridal stereo types.  But we'll get more into that a bit later.

This is J - The "Self Irritated Bride" is a mix of the "People Pleasing", "Always Stressed", "Self Service" brides that you always hear about. She's paying for her own wedding and in the process trying to make sure everyone is not stressed out, but by doing so she stresses herself out. And if everyone around her has a smile on their face, she is absolutely happy. Even if she is completely depressed....

So now that you know about the type of brides they are. And the struggle its going to be to knock out both of these weddings without a hitch. Because regardless of what the fuck any bride says.... As the Maid of Honor (MOH)/Best man (BM) you are responsible for everything.

Just know that when shit fucks up, its always your fault. If things works out perfectly, anyone else but you is amazing and did a great job. So are you ready?